Thursday, December 29, 2005 

what I did yesterday





 

Try not to say anything wierd OK?

Should I? Or should I go? I've recently rediscovered a feeling that hasn't been felt by me for approximately five years, give or take a year. The last time I felt this feeling my life seemed to be heading in some kind of direction, yet there seemed to be no planned intinerary, or driver in the driver seat. Then as now all the notice I got that I was soon to be displaced to the other side of the planet was a funny feeling of not knowingness. Nothing (I'm feeling it again). Any clues?
Oh, by the way I'm going to get myself an Australian next year. ALERT! This is not sedious blabbering, I'm just want an Australian of my own. Oh yeah, I've already a Korean, but now I want an Australian too. I'm greedy. I know, shut up and keep reading. I wonder if this time there will come another type of change. Rather than being something in the physical realm, maybe I'm going to experience something altogether spiritual, transcedental, and (all I want for Christmas) mystical! Who knows! No, who knows? I think all I need is a fucking holiday on a tropical island staffed by naked men. I'll invite some my friends and have them locked in a viewing platform high and far from the action. They'll be given rose water and vodka rusks to eat so as not to go completely mad. That's my idea of a holiday!

 

Sunday, December 18, 2005 

Lesson 1

Sometimes when life gets too hard, like now, the week before Christmas, I lose it. I find this time of year most horrendously overrated. Here in Australia and I'm sure in other parts of the world too, people become obcessed with giving and getting and I tune out. I feel depressed by all the fake sentiment, the enforced consumption, the terrible merriment of it all. I turn inside and think about the things that matter to me and wonder if I have done enough to improve my relationships, my friendships, my sense of self worth. If I have done enough? I really hate Christmas! For fuck's sake Jesus was born in September if anyone would really like to check their stupid facts! I try not to lose it. I try to center myself. I try not to hurt myself for something I know is wrong and I choose not to take part in it. Instead, I turn to this part of a peom by William Wordsworth written on July 13th 1798. A long time ago, I agree. I first heard it watching a Art History doco by an interesting old English git. He talks about romantic art and recites just this part of the overlong peom complete with the haunting music and shots of the Scottish countryside. I loved just this little sequence and would watch it over and over again. These few stanzas remained etched in my mind and before long I had searched them out and found the complete verse. I read the overlong peom but it was these lines that would come back to me time and time again. And here again, at this time, with an ache too difficult to shake with a single bright happy thought, I return once more to Wordsworths nature and vision. Merry Christmas.

"Though changed, no doubt, from what I was, when first
I came among these hills; when like a roe
I bounded o'er the mountains, by the sides
Of the deep rivers, and the lonely streams,
Wherever nature led; more like a man
Flying from something that he dreads, than one
Who sought the thing he loved. For nature then
(The coarser pleasures of my boyish days,
And their glad animal movements all gone by,)
To me was all in all. -- I cannot paint
What then I was. The sounding cataract
Haunted me like a passion: the tall rock,
The mountain, and the deep and gloomy wood,
Their colours and their forms, were then to me
An appetite: a feeling and a love,
That had no need of a remoter charm,
By thought supplied, or any interest
Unborrowed from the eye."

Sunday, December 11, 2005